Far From Perfect

Things I want to cook this Fall/Winter

2009-10-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

Just a post to collect the recipes I am interested in:

1. Cheese Straws
2. Chocolate covered orange peels
3. Banana Bread : Find a recipe that uses Sour Cream to add to the moistness.
4. Kimchi
5. My mom's coffee (chocolate too?) fruit cake with alcohol
6. Chocolate mousse with olive oil
7. passion fruit parfait when i go home. Passions fruits are ridiculously expensive here.

Also, I want to try southern Texas Ruby Red grapefruit. Maybe from here. Grapefruit is a fruit that in theory I should love, but which I have hated with every Michigan/Indiana grocery bought variety.

2009-10-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

As you could tell from the lack of posts, I'd been pretty pre-occupied lately. So what has been going on?

For one thing, Summer announced her departure with finality and a loud slam of the door. Then Fall pouted and refused to come out and play, giving Winter a chance to steal home base. It went from 70+F to 30+F overnight. The fields were frosted over this morning. Boy am I glad that our landlord had the sense to remove the docks last week when the water temperature was still bearable.

Eric moved with his girlfriend T to Chicago. How I miss those 2 kids. I had much fun with them, and they are just really excellent people. I have a new roomate now. She is a high school English teacher, recently divorced, with a boyfriend in tow. I am looking forward to get to know her more and maybe get some new perspective of life from an older woman. Thought her boyfriend weird at first, yet the guy is starting to grow on me. Can't really find fault with a guy who fixes the dock, cooks and turns on the furnace, thereby rescuing the girls from a freezing death.

What else. I am dating again, long distance. As in such cases, travel has increased a fair amount in the past months. It's a long story of how we met, suffice to say I am happy and have been having fun thus far, and I think (hope) that he is too. Just taking it one step at a time, reminding myself to be generous and patient, though in this case it hardly requires trying.

Also, I forgot Chirp chirp's Birthday! Pretty aghast. Happy Birthday Chirp. Hope everything goes well for you, and the present will follow sometime in the next few months....if not then when i see you again. :p

So there. Wanted to start posting again because I am getting less chance to talk to dad nowadays due to timing issues, and because apparently my family is still checking my blog (Mai Jee, Hi!).

What I want right now

2009-07-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

Is to run away.
From myself and everyone else.
Spend some time not thinking. just moving. taking it one minute at a time.
Just existing.

This urge

2009-03-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know about other blog writers. But when i re-read my old posts, this intensely strong urge to delete every single one of them, for lack of originality, overt-sentimentalism, wrong grammar or pure bad writing, bubbles up and threatens to spill into action.
Therefore i no longer read my old posts.

There is no title worthy

2009-01-22T18:46:00.000-08:00

I have no more distinctness or pointedness in my yearnings than an expanded bud, which does indeed point to flower and fruit, to summer and autumn, but is aware of the warm sun and spring influence only. I feel ripe for something, yet do nothing, can't discover what that thing is. I feel fertile merely. It is seedtime with me. I have lain fallow long enough.

Notwithstanding a sense of unworthiness which possesses me, not without reason, notwithstanding that I regard myself as a good deal of a scamp, yet for the most part the spirit of the universe is unaccountably kind to me, and I enjoy perhaps an unusual share of happiness."

---Henry David Thoreau, Age 33, Journal Entry for November 16, 1850.

Why I haven't posted in 2 months.

2008-09-29T20:04:00.001-07:00

too busy having fun.

Turned 30

2008-07-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

Turned 30 in an aerobed lying on the wooden floor of a Sunday school classroom in a beautiful and peaceful southern Baptist church in Texas.
Resolve to continue acting like a 12 year old boy as often and as long as possible.

if i were a book

2008-07-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

I know that there are people who really protect their books, wrap em up in covers and treat them with the utmost care. But I don't. Because if i were a book, i would want to be so intriguing that I'd be brought everywhere, including the bath and toilet, because the reader can't put me down, be read and re-read and re-read countless times, and be dropped on the floor as the reader reluctantly gives in to sleep.
I'd rather be dog-eared, stained, wrinkled, having given beyond my price, than to be spick and span and new-as-never-opened.

spring

2008-05-15T19:02:00.001-07:00

Spring, air molecules tingling of hope and blooms,
temperamental temperatures and rain.
w00t!
Is that a haiku?
I just need to post something because i don't want that depressing previous post to be on top forever.
I went cycling (or biking as they call it here. Back home, biking means naik mototsikal) today, scouting out a non busy route that will facilitate my ambition to cycle 14 miles to work 3x a week, because petrol (or gas as it's known here, though i could not understand why - it's a liquid, not a gas, nor solid, nor plasma) is $4 per gallon, and while it took only $28 to fill up an empty tank on my little chevvy 3 months ago, now it takes $48.. Plus, I'd been slowly working at that huge 1 gallon tube of cherry + chocolate fudge premium strictly high fat ice cream in my freezer, and replacing badminton with piano concerts for the past 3 weeks.
Thoughts that ran through my head as I was biking:

1. This looks like Anne Shirley's house! (Passing by an absolutely charming house with what could pass as a gurgling brook, and weeping willows by the brook)

2. Hell, yeah brother! (Passing by a house with a huge sign outside that says "Impeach Bush". Though it sure looks like a very Republican house to me, with trucks and butterflies pinned on a board in the living room. Why do I connect red-neckedness to Republicans. Oh wait, that's an oxymoron.)

3. This is a very nice spot to take pictures! (Passing by a little circular clearing beside the road, surrounded by thick trees, covered by fresh baby green grass, the evening sunlight streamin through the trees, gently blanketing the grass, with the coolest stump of a tree at the centre of the clearing. wait, now it sounds like a good spot for some mischievous witches to cook up some magical potions on a night of the full moon too)

and... that was about it. All i could remember from the 30 minute ride. Again, confirmation that nothing much goes on in this brain of mine.

and to end on a graceful note, this picture that I took.

Tulips are everywhere now. I wish my mom and dad could come see them. They are absolutely gorgeous.

2008-03-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

I know that I need to move on.
But somethings are just so hard to let go.
I try and I try, to see the fact the my world and my life is so much bigger
than my supposedly fleeting sorrow,
but I'm like an overloaded bucket of tears,
cracked and hurting,
and not knowing if things will ever be alright again.

Kalamazoo on Jan 14th 2008 aka Western Michigan's Winter at its.. norm

2008-02-16T07:22:00.001-08:00

Woke up at 700am. Laze for 15 minutes. Hot Hot Shower. Dumped 3-5cookies in maw. Drank glass of tap water (filtered, mom). Got out of apartment. Sees this.

No. 20 consecutive days of Car-Eaten-Alive-by-Overnight-Snow when you're late for work is not fun. Hence on Snow will be known as The S that must not be named. Or, as known by close friends and family, S.

It was probably about 15F.

Close up view of my blue baby (blue as in blue from the cold..get it? he..he...snort. Maybe not)

Gingerly walked across S covered pavement. Luckily there was no layer of ice (S's evil twin) down there. Stepped next to car. Looks down. hm.. we have about 6 inches today. Notice left foot completely drowned by S.

Started engine, and switched on the heater line thingies for heating the back windshield. Got out of car with essential weapon of choice - this stick that you see above, placed approximately 60 degrees to the windshield. It is about 2 feet tall (there're smaller or bigger versions of it too), with a few rows of brush at one end, and a hard flat surface perpendicular to the axis of the shaft at the other end. The brush is use for brushing off S from your car, or body if you choose to. The flat end is for scraping ice off windows and windshields. Or for murdering cockroaches. It is, of course, as with all consumer products in USA, made in China.

Luckily the snow was fresh, and temperature didn't fluctuate much through the night. There was no ice that needed to be scraped off underneath the snow. Got done in about 10 minutes. Sat on drivers seat and proceeded to kick legs together to shake S off sneakers. used gloved hands to dust S from legs of pants. At that moment I finally understood the reason for existence of snow boots.

Apartment doesn't do a good job of cleaning the roads in the early am.

But the Kalamazoo Municipal council does. Some admirable driver in a tractor like vehicle had pushed most of the S off the road in the wee am. The rest of it were melted by liberal spraying of salt on the roads with an awesome salt sprayer truck. Well, awesome unless you're driving directly behind one. The salt works for temps above 10F only.

Got in to work, on time. Yoohoo!
Spent 8 hours attending meetings, doing drawings, talking, machining. Then, at 530pm. Came out to parking lot, to see this:

The cycle repeats.

I wish i were...

2008-02-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

homeward bound. again. soon.

1:03am.
Iced Horlicks.
Jet lagged and missing home.

Ferrero Dark Chocolate

2008-01-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

So hor, that day at Meijer I saw that Ferrero came out with DARK CHOCOLATE flavor!! I was so excited. I love dark chocolate. And I love Ferrero. Now that they both come together it's like i get a pay raise and tiok the 4D at the same time.
So, to share the joy, here i present, tang tang tang tang..

FERRERO RONDNOIR!

Top view. Packaging still nice, like ferrero rocher, but dark and full of antioxidants.

But, once opened, can see that instead of nuts cam chocolate, it's actually coated with dark chocolate bits

Take a bite..yum yum... the interior still got the biskut/wafer layer, but the cream inside is dark chocolate cream (what's the proper term - ganache??) . And here's the disappointment - in the middle is not a but. It's a solid dark chocolate creamy piece.

Side view.

Conclusion. Not as nice as ferrero rocher la. what a let down. But finish it anyway. It's still good though it missed greatness by an inch.

How is it possible to be this cold?

2008-01-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

I keep confusing Farenheit and Kelvin. And keep thinking that if atomic spins are frozen at 0 degrees, and it's already sub-zero, how is it that I'm still alive?

*click to enlarge*

Just came back to the Zoo

2008-01-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

Jet Lagged. 114am.
Shouldn't have slept the 3 hrs from 7 to 10pm.

One more argument for having Friends

2007-12-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

Sometime ago I was visiting Washington DC with my friend terry. DC is really the perfect holiday destination for cheapos like me - it houses one of the best (in my opinion) and largest museum complex in the world, the Smithsonian. And it's absofreakinglutely free. (Which is partly why it features so highly in my opinion).

So, the Smithsonian in DC consists of 13 museums (including a Zoo), spanning a length of 1 mile (1.6km), and ranging from the obvious (Natural history, Modern and contemporary art, Air and Space) to the less expected (Postal, Asian Art). Of course we spent most of our 2 day visit there, plus the national gallery of Art, which was in the same area.

The size of the crowd was pretty intimidating, it being a Summer national holiday extending into a weekend. There were scores of Asian tourists around - old chinese couples out on day trips with their children and granchildren, no doubt on a short trip to visit their children who are working here; young asian women hanging onto their significantly older caucasian ... er... boyfriends, whom we saw by the dozen (whats up with that?), young families out for the weekend from nearby cities.

Among the young families was this particularly irritating young family of a chinese looking guy with his wife, whom we met in the National Gallery of Art. They are most probably chinese because they spoke chinese accented mandarin.

A little bit on the Gallery setup - it was divided into multiple rooms, each with a theme (either by type or date of art, or artist). The rooms are interconnected via opened doorways, and the exhibits are placed on or near the four walls of each room, at the middle of which the interior designers had thoughtfully placed four long benches, each facing one wall, so that visitors could sit down and feast their eyes on the pieces.

We first met this couple in front of this giant oil painting of Daniel in the Lion den. I was sitting on one of the benches facing Daniel, feeling really tired from walking and dehydration, when the front view of The Wife Holding The Kid suddenly appeared in my field of view, followed by the back view of her husband holding the camera. *click click* went the camera, *flash flash* went the flash. Then, camera and kid was exchanged between Hubby and Wifey, and Wife took a picture of the Husband in front of the same Daniel with Lion painting. "oh they like the painting huh?" I thought. "Those lions are really good"

So we proceeded to wander around, with peace in our hearts and ache in our feet. In the next room, right in front of a painting of Claude Monet's garden, we encountered this couple again. *click click* went the camera, *flash flash* went the flash, kid and camera exchanged, wife and husband took turns taking picture with the same painting, without even looking at the painting before and after, or noticing that their little film fest was blocking the people on the benches who were trying to appreciate the art.

Pretty soon we were noticing this couple everywhere we went -this cam whoring addict pair on a speed trip. They would arrive at every single famous piece of painting, hastily insert their body into the center of the frame , disregard the crowd that was orderly gathered in a semicircle around the art, and take turns taking pictures, to prove that NOT ONE, but BOTH of them had been in the PRESENCE of EVERY, SINGLE, FAMOUS piece of art in DC's National Gallery of Art. Our shared Asianess and Chineseness, and the disgusted expression on the other patrons deepened my mix of horror, shame and amazement at what they were doing. Long after that day, I kept repeating the story as amusement to my friends.

Fast forward to a weekend a few months later. I was lazing on my bed talking to one of my best friends Wai on the phone. She was telling me about her recent trip to Hong Kong and Shen Zhen.

Wai: I wanna show you guys my photos! But where can I upload them ha? Too many of them.."

KG: There're plenty of online albums that you could use la. How many pictures you took?"

Wai: er.. alot. I think about 1500 with me in the picture.

kg: What?? How many days did you go ha?

Wai: 3 days lor.

That divides out to 500 pictures per day. How does one manage to take 500 pictures per day?? Read on...

Wai: We went to madam tussaud's wax museum. I took picture with every single one of the wax figures! (Insert kg's gasp) Must be worth the trip. And we actually spent 2 1/2 hr on a stretch of road that was just supposed to last 30 minutes, because we were taking pictures. The tour guide just about died because he insisted on walking with us instead of taking the bus.

both: hehehe.. wahahaha..

In a flash i was reminded of that chinese couple we met in DC. And suddenly I felt very sorry for making fun of them, and looking down on them. Because, one of the people who are dear to me, unbeknown to me, exhibit the same cam whoriness that they possess. Although I highly doubt that Wai will display such blatant disregard for the world in search of the perfect picture, i no longer think that cam whoringness, or the desire to take pictures with every living thing that one comes across, as dungu exploits. That same photo-taking-obsession, when seen in Wai, becomes just an endearing quirk (and the usage of the word "quirk"means only that it is strange to the writer in her own limited understanding of the world). Because although we sometimes irritate the heck out of each other, a more caring, lovable, trustworthy, loyal and responsible person is hard to come by. She cares with actions, not only words. And I know of at least 2 other girls who count her a blessing in their lives.

So, no, i don't make fun of the Couple At The Museum anymore. Because, who knows, taken out of the museum/gallery setting, they might be really great people like Wai. Plus i totally would not make fun of Wai the way I made fun of The Couple. There you go, one more argument for having friends, they help us decrease our contempt towards other people, because realizing and accepting differences between friends allows us to extend our sphere of acceptance to similar differences from other people too.

And wai? i would still totally love to go on trips with you, but let's avoid locations with wax museums.

the current

2007-10-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Reading:
Cosmos
Fountainhead (still..)

Listening:
Some country music(!) sound track that my boss(!!) burned for me. It's actually pretty good(!!!).

Watching:
Nothing. But hopefully "An inconvenient truth" by the gore this weekend.

Eating:
Mantou from my ex roomate. Her mom sells paus and mantous (chinese bread) in kaosiong, taiwan. Every Summer she (my roomate, not her mom) goes back home for 3 months. When she comes back, her luggage is half filled with 1/2 thawed mantous and paus, which she dutifully distributes to all her friends. She usually keeps 2 packets for herself in the freezer. And then the following summer the 2 packets will be discarded to be replaced by 2 fresh ones from taiwan. :) BUt, her mom's mantous are great! almost comparable to my mom's paus.

Smelling:
baby carrots boiling on the stove top.

Touching:
keyboard of 2.5 yo keyboard of toshiba laptop, which is now prone to frequent tantrums and refusal of working for long periods. it might have joined a union.

Feeling:
Tired from badminton. The people here are kinda trying to top each other off in making me run till i drop training me. But it's good. finally getting some training after playing for 6 yrs w/out improvement.
and also tension, because work oh work. why did my boss hafta take off to disneyland this week? why did the person in chg of the urgent -line-will-shutdown-if-not-resolved project have to go on campus recruitment this week? I dislike people dumping last minute screw ups on me, esp when those screw ups do not belong to me.
Also, an undercurrent of sadness. Because of a loss. Had seen it coming. Is for the best. but still.
Also, an undercurrent of excitement. for loads of activities that will go on in october.

Thinking:
Halloween is this month. there are several occasions to dress up - coworkers partays and also dressing up to work. It's a custom here. What shall i dress up as? ooo..my 1st halloween! dont want anything slutty. all the costumes houses sell slutty clothes. geez.

One Quote

2007-09-23T20:42:00.001-07:00

To anonymous who said "you've made my plan shaken!" in one of the previous posts, i read this today:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
-Mark Twain

The sea beckons, my fondest friend.

Penguin

2007-09-17T18:55:00.001-07:00

Do you know what language the word penguin originated from?
.
.
.
CANTONESE!!
According to a SEA language expert, the word Penguin actually originated from an asian dialect, and that dialect is Cantonese! The originator is unknown though, but through the centuries it has been incorporated into the Englisg lexicon.

Penguin = Peng-Guin

Gun= Nice way of saying bird. Example:Dou Guin (Chinese: Du Juan)
Peng hai mat yeh? Peng ma hai ICE lor!

Penguin= ICE Bird = Bird found on Ice!

Is this not amazing?

Going overseas is not romantic

2007-09-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

Friends sometimes have this misconception that the KG is brave to venture out into this big unknown land beyond the South China Sea. They think and sometimes express admiration about the guts it takes to leave almost everything behind to try to better and challenge oneself.

Let me hereby clarify this - No, KG is neither brave nor gutsy. In fact, most of the time she is a fool, a greedy coward or a paranoid little bitch, many times all three at once. The trip here was full of tears, doubts and fears. There was such trepidation in facing the unknown, in living a misers life, in competing with a cold world, in having no-one to go to movies with. There were so many tears because of home and friend sickness. It was miserable, and still sometimes is. It's depressing to wake up from a nap alone in an apartment a bajillion miles away from home. and knowing that the aloneness will last for what seems like forever. It's pathetic in times of stormy weathers not to have someone to talk to, or to lean on, or to tokkok with. And the doubts, oh the doubts of whether she'd make it, whether it's all worth it, whether she was making the right decision!

Some people think that going to a foreign country is romantic, or so high class, or so fun. But it is not always true. 99% underestimate the challenges that comes when the only one you can truly depend on, in darkness and in light and at all times, is yourself. Especially those who are older and dont have the structured life of a college student.

Kg can't help but think frequently that she was a fool. Because, because so many of the most important things in life are found right at home. Family, Friends, love, a place to belong to. (And Teh Bing, Char Kuey Teow and asam laksa). Life is so short, there is so little time. What is ambition compared to love? If the world were to end tomorrow, I'll let go of all self-bettering and potential-fulfilling pretenses and head right home. And ought we not live like everyday is the last day of our lives?

I'm that paranoid bitch today.

Another proof of moronism in Bolehland

2007-09-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/9/6/nation/18796676&sec=nation

papa roach?

2007-09-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

A rock concert coming soon. Should I go?
xxxxx
Summer - ending. 830's sunset compared to 930 two weeks ago. Fall's feet thread ever lightly but surely.
xxxxx
Contentedness - like a flighty lover, it appears only when you stop searching.
xxxxx
A mess - what my house is. with newspapers and laundered clothes and receipts and bills and junk mails.
xxxxx
Dread - what if i can't solve the problem?
xxxxx
Weekend - coming. Can't wait.

Chirp! and Labor Day weekend

2007-08-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Chirp!
I didn't know you read one! wow. so busy somemore can read my blog! KNS!
ok, this weekend is labor day weekend - ie 3 day weekend. I was planning and very much looking forward to a camping trip up north, but after being fong fei kei by a friend (very geram story) at the last minute, i have decided to spend twice the price of normal airfare to fly to washington DC for 2 days. I will join terry there, and will tour all the free museums until my legs or eyes fall off. and we will have a jolly good time eating everything exotic in sight.If nothing else, terry and i share the same curiosity for exotic food (at least i remember both of use buying weird ass cereal in college).

I have to fly out of detroit though which is a few hours from here. KNS.
and fly back in and drive another few hrs back home.

To comfort myself i will stop to shop at a biggie shopping place on the way. To rest my tired feet pressing against the accelerator. Ahem.

Happy long weekend and Merdeka Day back home! Even though our country is imperfect, at least it's independent. Though depending on the context, that might not say much.

well, what are you gonna do for the weekend?

my cheapness

2007-08-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm back!!
**Cough**cough*** (strains to see through the billowing dust)
**ahhtttchoo!!** (dusts cobwebs from skirt)

For all 2 of you who actually reads this blog regularly, i apologize for the unannounced hiatus. The reason behind my MIA is that only one that can be blamed on genetics (mom's side ahem) - cheaponess. I've moved out from the hotel provided by my work place more than a month ago, to a sunny apartment in the midst of trees, beds of flowers and a highway. But due to extreme cheapness, and rebellion against monopolization of anykind, had refrained from getting cable internet (from the only cable provider authorized by the apt management)and dial up (from the only dial up provider available in US - the stupoid ATxT). The cable speed and modem i didn't need and didn't want to pay for. The dial up insisted that i get a bundle together with a phone land line, which i didn't need and didn't want to pay for.

So i hedged and hummmed and fummed and cry at the gods. and finally caved in and got cable.

And boy does it feel good to feel alive again.

Book of July

2007-07-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

Am reading Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Will let you know how it goes.
I've loved reading all my life, but have so far remained mostly in the realms of light literature, like mystery novels and even the Animorph series (I know. groan). I occasionally wonder off into tangents (Mockingbird,root..heavier yet very readable) , but have always returned. Since coming here, I've met ppl who read very widely. And it made me realize that I might be missing out on some pretty cool ideas by avoiding those books that i consider heavy ie those who try to explore human nature.
So i've been reading john irving. and now ayn rand. and next will be milan kundera. And i've realised why i never got into these type of books even though i love reading so much. It's because they are mostly sad. And I don't like sad stories, or movies for that matter. I like gutsy stories. preferably with sunshine and rainbows thrown in at the ending (Explains why I can enjoy Bollywood movies too).

The things i love about being alive

2007-07-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

the smell after and during rain
sitting on a swing at dusk listening to the 7pm prayer from a nearby mosque
toddlers laughing
smell of baby heads
baby's hands holding my thumb
waking up from a late evening nap to hear my mom cooking in the kitchen, smelling the familiar smell of garlic tossed into hot oil
lounging most unfashionably in a friends house, surrounded by good friends. being content keeping lazily silent in the midst of their funny banter
sweating after badminton
girl friend's loosing their temper at the guys during frizbee games
sitting by the opened balcony with hot milo and a good book on a rainy day
long phone conversations with good friends
making people laugh.esp about myself.
hammering bush.
having breakfast with dad. him reading the papers. me reading the papers too.
playing drums with friends on various instruments
playing piano
making fun of brother.
feeding people.
feeling like that world is yours to take.
mango lassi.
grandma's hug.
eating the same fish dish at different restaurants throughout pg with the same bunch of friends for several weeks
football on a rainy day in a muddy field
being forced to go dancing by peer pressure.
making cookies for cny
driving alone on a cool night, music blasting and windows down

The lane

2007-06-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

My dearest girls,
I was driving around today in the summer sun. Slightly aimlessly, but in a good way. I turned onto a road that i had never turned onto before, and suddenly saw a road named, (you will never guess) Lover's Lane.
Just like in Green Gables. And just like Anne, I feel in love with it straightaway. I could feel a grin slowly spreading across my underslept face. I turned left onto lover's lane, and it winded all the way down to the enormous lake that shall remain nameless for now (because i dont know it). it skirted the shore, meandered around some quaint old houses with boats in the front yard, and gentle waves lapping against the flower beds,and rejoined a main road some distant away. And just like our book, it was green, and leafy, and cool, and happy, and peaceful...and young yet wise.
I felt myself sigh, took a deep breathe, and suddenly realized that up till now, i had not really been breathing for quite a long time.

love.

Today

2007-06-19T19:28:00.001-07:00

Today is my second day at my new job at a new company in a new industry in a new state and new town. I went for a meeting and tried hard to understand what was being said. I felt a bit nostalgic cos the meeting reminded me of what my job was and what fun i had when i was an engineer on a little island back home. I ate lunch alone today. Because, well, because i couldnt work up the guts to ask my colleagues to lunch since they looked so busy. :p i will try again tomorrow. and bring a sandwich just in case.

After work i drove around. This new little town that will be my home for a year or more, if things work out well. To my amazement i found 2 big lakes hidden behind trees on each side of the road. I mean big - like BIG. With houses around it, and boats sailing in it. It actually looked like sausalito though much more rustic. I am so glad that i am living around water again. Because i grew up by the sea, and my soul was nourished by the salty air, my heart calmed by the splashing waves on mornings spent lying on the rocks. And though there's no salt in the air here, it is blessing enough.

Finally!

2007-06-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, Eanama and Eanappa!
I love you both and could never have done this without you, and my pesky sibling.

And only under these conditions

2007-05-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

So recently my dearest friend P used this as her tag in msn: "Love is a decision, not a feeling"
Seeing as she is about to get married to a great guy, I treat with great reverence everything she says about love and marriage. And boobs. ahem. Cos you know, she is getting MARRIED, committing the rest of her LIFE to ONE lucky guy, and hence must know some truths about life and love that are elusive to us ignorant (and maybe therefore) unmarried girls.
So, even though her tag was not new to me, i was somehow awed by it and the meaning that it could bring into my life.

The next time she was online, i was brimming with hope that I'd finally found my personal guru who will lead me to successful relationship, answering the ever popular question of "how do i know if he is the one?" and maybe even write a book at the side. The conversation went something like this:

kampung girl (being very earnest): so love is a decision and not feelings huh?

P: (silent cos she was busy talking to her fiance, no doubt debating the names of their future babies)

kg (getting a bit impatient): so..to what extent is love a decision?

Pause. Then,
P: I think when you are tired and jaded with life..then love is decision

kg: ...(a bit stunned)... BWAHAHAHAHA.

i love my kooky friends. They say the most delicious things.

How to crash MS Excel

2007-05-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

1. Build a data table that is crucial for thesis writing - is crucial for graduating in time to get a working visa and start work with company you like.

2. Wait till the last minute to work so that by the time you make the table, there's only one week to defense day, your thesis is only half done and you're ready to curl up in a fetal position, cover your ears with both hands, and sing "lalalala i dont hear anything" 24 hrs a day.

3. Ensure that there are multiple columns and rows, and multiple columns under each of those columns. Merge Header cells that heads several columns.

4. Enter vital information collected from experiments, formed in large part by your sweat, blood and tears. Spend no less than one hour.

5. Make formulas in excel to perform complex calculations on data.

6. Calculated results doesn't make sense. Take 30minutes to check calculations and formula entry one by one.

7. Scratch head and watch youtube for 30 minutes because grad schools are not too selective about intelligence or problem solving skills when admitting students. (All the really smarty arses had dropped out at the undergrad level anyways and founded their own tech company which IPO-ed at 150USD per share last may)

8. Finally figure out whats wrong and correct it.

9. Draw lines in table. Take pleasure in coloring columns and rows, and drawing fancy double lined boxes around data.

10. Sigh in pleasure at work of art+science. Realize that some of the headers are merged wrongly.

11. **CRUCIAL STEP** DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT under any circumstances save the file.

12. Try to unmerge the wrongly merged header cells. Hi-light 3 merged headers and click "unmerge" (which is actually the same as the "merge " button) - that works.

13. Get greedy and try to unmerge every available header at the same time. About 18 of them.

14. **Poof**

15. Ask "Where the heck did my excel file go?"

16. Don't panic. try recovering file.

17. Recovery fail.

18. Panic.

Foot in Mouth Episode I

2007-04-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Foot in Mouth Episode I, brought to you by Kampung Girl.

On Thursday I went for badminton and dinner with a bunch of friends at the court. One of them is an Iraqi whom I've known for a few weeks - a very vivacious, and seemingly sporting guy/boy/teenager. I happened to sit opposite this guy. The tv in the lil chinese restaurant was showing a clip about number of animal killed in the US per day and asking the public to help. Iraqi guy remarked on how ridiculous this is seeing that so many people die in his country everyday. This brought to my mind the Iraqi war and what little I know about Iraq - ie there're 2 warring fractions, the Sunni and the Shia, and a former ruler named Saddam Hussein, and the War-for-weird-reasons that is going on there. Seeing that SH and reasons-for-war might be rather sensitive issues, and in the spirit of getting to know my Iraqi friend more, I asked him, in the air of asking whether one prefers ranch or french dressing with the salad :" So, are you a Sunni?"...
and instantly got a hard kick in the shin under the table from J, my fellow malaysian and long time friend, who also happened to have worked with Arabs for 3+yrs and had decidedly more understanding about arabian culture than me. In a fraction of a second, I understood that I had asked a taboo question.
My Iraqi friend obviously didn't want to answer, so, after an awkward infinity of a second, he hedged and told me:"I'm a hindu."
By that time I was too flustered and embarrassed to think up a good way to gently let this question slide, and hastily covered up with a question of :"Really? do you speak tamil?" and followed up with an offer of :"hey i can teach you bad words in Tamil! you look like you'd appreciate it."

GROAN...my tact and reputation down the drain in 30 seconds. Not that this is the 1st time that happened.

J later told me that what I thought was the equivalent of asking malaysian chinese :"Are you hokkien or Hakka?", was actually perhaps more akin to asking ..say.. Roosevelt whether he was a Nazi during WWII, or asking a Quiznos philly-steak-sub whether it is actually from Subway. point is, these are not just fractions with different dialect or place of origin - these are people who have hated and killed each other for decades. You(If you dont know any better) and I (who definitely dont know any better) might think it's just different branches of Islam, but to them, it's as different as Taoism and Judaism. I am inferring that if the guy really is a Shia (which he probably is considering that he didn't want to answer), I probably unknowingly insulted him like mad by giving the impression that I thought he was Sunni.

How was I supposed to know? "Sunni" was just easier to pronounce!
"hm...gmm...hmp....aaakk...akk"
Excuse me while I dig my foot out of my mouth.

The moral of this story is, if you dont know the Iraqi well, do not ask him if he is a Shia/Sunni. Stick with "Is your beef and chicken fried rice nice?" or even "Brazillian football sucks."

Note: Just found out from wikipedia that Malaysia's Official school of Islam is Sunni. And as far as I know, Malays from Malaysia dont have anything against Shia. Which makes me wonder, what happened in Iraq in the early years to have caused this divide?

Pseudo Po'm I

2007-04-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

If you've been lost and adrift for a while,
sit down,
be quiet,
and still,
just breathe,and listen.

To the whirr of the refrigerator,
the drone of the passing cars,
the breeze playing with the leaves,
the laughter of the sunlight,
and the murmurings of your heart.

Everything will be alright.

gut wrenching 2 weeks

2007-03-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Had just been through 2 weeks of emotional roller coaster. All because I had to choose between 2 jobs, and also some level of home sickness.
Job A I had already accepted, three months earlier, but is not the job that I trained for (ie engineering). Yet they have the greatest people and recruiting methods. And an atmosphere I felt truly comfortable with, plus a job function that is highly interesting. Oh, and it's in Chicago.
Job B I was offered unexpectedly. Is the perfect job description that matches my original intent of coming...let's see...20 gazillion miles across the pacific ocean to simultaneously suffer and semisemi-thrive in grad school. a highly interesting job function too, one not easily found. Culture and people, not so sure. But was very strict on the reply-by deadline (1 week from verbal offer, 4 days from actual offer).
So, being the knucklehead stubborn mule that I am...decided to let go of job A, and went the path of job B ie idealism bla bla bla- idealism with a pay cut, in a small small northern city. Was an extremely difficult situation for me personally, cos i do hate hate hate(to infinity) going back on my words. And also kinda fell a bit in love with Job A already.
All compounded by the fact that I hadn't been home in a year and almost 3 months. i've come to realise that if i do not go home at least one a year, my emotions tend to go cuckoo. Get sad and emotional for no reason.
It's strange how me and my friends had evolved since uni days. Leaving home for the 1st time to go to college? Easier than cooking maggi mee in a mug. Oh were we eager to see the world! be independent! meet new people! cure cancer! Solve the grand unified theorem! In fact, I was so NOT home sick during my first semester that during break after that semester, my dad had to bribe me with phone cards to make me call home once a week. I felt bad when my aunts told me that my mom cried after I left for college, and when I didn't call home.
Then the years go by (cue soft piano and violin), and our parents grow older, and I guess we grow wiser, or at least more appreciative of the extra blessings that we were given in the form of our loving parents and pesky sibling(s). And so we grow more attached. But we're all grown up now, and have to cari our own makan, dance our own dance, wiggle our own hiney, with some ending up far away from home. Denied of luxury items like 3 months of semester breaks each year, I look back at my callous teenage self, and have to say - bodohke engkau?
Where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah, wish me luck with my job. I will do my very very best and hope for the best. Alhamdulillah..
And I love my mom dad and pesky brother. And my wai por,wai gong and my aunts and uncles and cousins, and all my lovely crazy friends. muaks.

A geek's take on breakups

2007-03-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

So, I've been asked this question recently.
When does one know if a relationship is worth breaking away from?

I think that there are many reasons, but the most obvious for me, in simple, engineer friendly formula is:
Happiness(Boy+girl) < Happiness(boy)+Happiness(girl)
where
y(x) means y is a function of x

Or, if Happiness(boy) is an unknown, it can be calculated just using data from the girl, ie
Smiles(girl in relationship)-Tears(girl in relationship) <<
Smiles(Girl single)-Tears(girl single);
t>t*
where
t* is total time needed for sufficient data collection
and
sufficient data=enough data to predict future scenario

Then perhaps it's time to say goodbye, shed some tears, and move on.
Of course, that's always easier said than done.

So, how does your relationship fare? What do you do to keep the happiness score high? And how do (most of) our parents do it?

tung tung tung tung

2007-03-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

The result of "To phD or not to phD, that is the question" is in. And the winner is...The chicago job with the 5 figure salary (as in total annual salary lah) ! Congratulations, Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary, how do you feel about this victory?

Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary: Phew, I tell ya, sista, that there is sumthing of a close call. wuz afraid that girl there be stupid enough to choose ideals over money! hahahaha.. (wiping sweat of the 5 figure face).

Whoa, those are pretty harsh words, Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary...

Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary (turning a nice shade of orange): hehehe..just kidding, just kidding. Gosh, you people gotta lighten up. I mean, come on, ya know she done made the right choice. She done old and poor, alone in a foreign land. It's time to shore up some of em greenbacks, ya know what I'm sayin?

Well, Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary, late twenties is not exactly old, you know. Futhermore, experts interviewed say that if she goes the phD route, she would have recovered the "financial losses" incurred while in grad school in no time, if she gets a job in industry after that.

Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary: Her parents think she's gettin old, don't they? and, I hear the big IF in your sennntence.

I am pretty sure her parents didn't mean it that way. Anyway, the experts also say that having a phD proves the girl's versatility and trainability - she would in fact be much more marketable, and be perceived as a totally brainy chick(which is a lethal combination)! Plus when it comes to career advancement, phD totally kicks ass!

Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary: expert shmurzert. She got me, ain't she? you want experts? i got this university full of experts, them asian experts says the opposite. Strange how all the white chicks and brothers think so highly of education.

Are you implying that race plays a part in this.

Mr chicago job with 5 figure salary looks left and right before saying: ya know, i shouldn't be sayin this, it aint no race, it that dang nationality. foreign people always gets short changed. bloody visa sponsorship, and nationality requirement! Back in them old days... (starts rambling while mumbling)

OooooK! Let's quickly turn to miss phD. What say you, Miss phD?

Ms phD, calm, cool and collected as always (hey, her last name IS Doctorate after all): The girl will be back. No worries. I know her. She'll be back, if not next year, then the year after next, or the year after next after next. Any year. But she will be back. And YOU, you can call me philli. *giggles*

The messenger

2007-02-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

I hate watching ghost movies (except 6th sense), but went and watched the Messenger yesterday. The Pang brother's 1st hollywood foray.
Verdict - Creepy! An average storyline with many suspenseful and goose bumpity shoots. I think the mat salleh audience will like it. But asian audience who's seen many of their movies will find similar scenes from their previous movies. And certain elements look very ju-on like. Still, since I used my fingers to edit most of the scenes when i watch any horror movies, and do my very best to forget scary scenes, the messenger is very refreshing and creepy to me.

But you know what's creepiest of all? One of the Pangs named himself Danny, while the other one, get this, named himself Oxide. Oxide Pang - I guess we now know which one of them comes up with the creepy ideas.

The importance of being selfish

2007-02-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

I've learnt some important things this week.
To *preserve me, there comes a time when:
I need to do what I want in my life. With less consideration of what I should. Or what others want.
I will let go of taking care of others in favor of taking care of myself.
I need to choose to do things that are joyful.

It is important to distinguish these times from others.

* sounds like fossilization, doesn't it? or maybe fruit preservation. :)

The Rope Jumping Dilemma

2007-01-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, girls played this game roughly translated as Jumping Ropes. The ropes were handmade, by looping tens of rubber bands around each other to form a long elastic strand. one kid would hold each end, stretching the rope slightly such that it became taut. the rest would take turns jumping over the rope, as the height was increased from the ground, to the knee, waist, shoulder, head, and finally as high as it can be held. My athletic prowess was lacking even back then, and the best i could muster was the waist.

I had been having difficulty sleeping these few days, with many thoughts swirling about my head. When i decided to come back to school to do Masters, it was like jumping at the shoulder level. I'd never done it before, but it was not too far from the waist level. It felt within reach. I knew that if i'd worked hard at it, maybe consistently stretching and jumping everyday, I'd be able to do it gradually. And as that is coming close to being proven true, an opportunity has opened up to jump at a much higher level, even higher than the head - a level so high (to me) that I did not, never in a bajillion yrs consider myself capable of reaching, not even in my wildest exciting-est dreams.

You see, my advisor had offered.. nay, actively pursuing me to do a Doctoral degree with him. Doctoral with a capital D. It will be an exciting and worthy project, with the aim of contributing some tools towards fighting a deadly, incurable disease. He has agreed to customize it so that I can learn tools that will be valuable the industry, which is where I want to end up in. Most of all, he believes, more than I do, from what he sees, that I have the capability to reach that lofty height. It is a dizzy feeling, to have someone throw open a door which you'd never thought to unlock, and to be told that yes, you CAN do it, however much you think you can't. Maybe the cripple who got cured by Jesus felt like the same way when commanded to walk.

The problem is, it would take at least 3 more years, and there would be very little money for the entire duration. The choices of jobs post graduation will be scant because of highly specialized skills. But if I do get a job, probably as a scientist in a company, the difference in monetary gain could be balanced out in a short time. I would get to be my own boss and pretty much dictate my course and direction of research. However, the idea of being my own boss is strangely foreign, and pretty intimidating. I had always imagined a life of salaried income, with a cushion of corporate superiors, and ample time for pursuit of interesting hobbies like reading, baking, drumming, language and what nots. What will it be like to be away from that comfortable cushion? More satisfaction, I heard, and also more frustration, and much less time for other things in life.

On the other hand, if I do not get a job in the industry, I will probably end up in school, in some research lab, taking the post of what is known as a "postdoc", ie phD holders who slave with minimal pay and dismal benefits for a few years under the tulelage of some established professor in hopes of getting into academia, either holding a professorship, or being a research scientist. The ultimate deal is proving to be illusive to many, as more and more postdocs get stuck for years as a postdoc, wondering if they would ever reach the other side. This I do not wish to do.

Both paths after phD, industrial or academia, would lead away from clear cut engineering, into the murky, but much more heavy-weighted realm of clinical science and biology. But, I love engineering, especially mechanical. I am not sure that I'm prepared to let it go.

Also, I had in fact secured a job in a small nothern lake front location. Not a job that I trained for, not an industry which I imagined myself to be in, but one that I nonetheless accepted, partly because of visa limitations in this foreign land. This job pays at least 3 times that of what I will earn as a phD student. The people are nice, and the location is fantastic. Plus, I have the choice of switching back to engineering at a later date.

Things will be further complicated when I go back to Asia in a few years. The demand for phDs, especially in biological+engineering sciences is much less in SEA, compared to the western world.

Yet, do we not owe it to ourselves to fulfill our potential to the fullest? To contribute as much as we can to the well being of earth and our people? To attempt to jump the highest that we could possibly jump over the ropes held by life?

Or do we just owe it to ourselves to be happy, to be financially competent for the sake of our family, and to start building a stable and peaceful life when the time is right?

Three Clowns in Grand Canyon

2007-01-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

We started our hike at the South Kaibab trailhead, intending to pass by Yaki Point and Ooh Aah Point to reach Cedar Ridge. The grand canyon is, well, a canyon, ie a long narrow steep hole in the ground. Therefore the trail leads downwards, and it takes longer to return than to get to the destination. I've never realised this until the hike.

Well, so we got to Yaki Point, plodding through the cold, sleet, trees and hoove/paw covered snow in cold and dung smelling air for roughly 20 minutes. And what did we see?

Cars, in a parking lot, with their tourist drivers. So much for the brochure warning that "Yaki point is accessible only shuttle.

30 minutes later, we discovered why the Ooh Aah point is called the Ooh Aah Point (click on pic to enlarge).

Then we reach cedar ridge. It started to feel like a very windy and cold desert. We had wheat thins, kit kats and berry flavored water out on a ledge that extends into the canyon heart.

Took 2 hrs to get back up to the rim. The little waving black spot in the middle is my friend T. It was really steep.

So, the view was awesome. The canyon was awesome too, but what loored me maybe more was this, what we saw in the souvenir shop.
The sign above the very native-american-styled pottery says "NOT MADE BY NATIVE AMERICAN CRAFTERS" then in smaller font below says... "MADE IN CHINA".
Behold the might of the dragon, and the brutal honesty of Grand Canyon's souvenir shops. Wonder how many vases they've sold so far. :)

One question I didn't think I'd ever hear

2007-01-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

"Let's compete to see who can be the first to pee 5 times tonight, okay?"

p/s, I won.

It's 2007!

2006-12-31T21:47:00.000-08:00

Although it's rather old fashioned...
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!

1. May 2007 be cheerful, optimistic and, er, educational without being too costly(cos my dad says that e-d-u-c-a-t-i-o-n is very important, HUZZAH!).
2. May the good, wise and sincere get elected to govern (however unlikely, one can still hope).
3. May Greenhouse effects and global warming be admitted, addressed and somehow reversed, or at least stopped (see #2).
4. May my family, immediate and not immediate, by blood and honorary, find health and safety, and love.
5. May Grey's Anatomy quit trying to be the soap-opera-that-cannot-not-whine. yay!

my new year resolutions, in order of importance and inverse order of fun,
1. Graduate!!
2. Learn enough French to read the original Little Prince/Learn enough Japanese to read any book of Haruki Murakami.
3. Take up drums again! double yay! and master those ever elusive but highly essential offbeats.

Cheers!

Ho Ho Ho!

2006-12-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas all, and a Great 2007 ahead!
Just came back from a trip to Arizona with 2 old friends - it was a blast! the host was big hearted and eager to please in his usual gruff manner, and the companion ever entertaining and funny.

and, (and I've got to type this in caps), WE HIKED GRAND CANYON!!! well, not all the way down, but maybe about 10 or 20 miles.

.....

ok, it was more like 3 miles. but that itself took more than 3 hrs, going down towards the canyon floor and then hiking back up to the rim. and the view...how can i describe it...to coin T's phrase, it was so breathtaking that we needed to puke, in a good way (it's more descriptive translated to cantonese). The view from the hiking trail was MAGNIFICENT. So Magnificent that the word not only needs be in caps, but bolded, underlined, highlighted and decorated with flashy neon light, except that i don't know how to do those fancy things within blogspot. Comparing it to the tourist convenient, camera friendly, shuttle accessible rim is like comparing boiled unsalted liver pate to penang's char kuey tiao, or bush to gandhi, or me to albert einstein. They are not only incomparable, they're not even the same species.

photos coming up soon!

my claim to a famous friend

2006-12-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

Tan Chui Mui's 1st movie "Love conquers all" won awards and accolades! go watch go watch!

http://www.nanyang.com/index.php?ch=15&pg=224&ac=679213

tan chui mui, goh tze hui and i used to hang out a little, organize some activities and once made a stupid bet in secondary school (Who won? i think i did. but i don't see any1 paying up!). she lives 2 blocks away from me. we're no longer in touch, but it's good to see that she's receiving recognition for her work! :) She is really talented, and it showed even when we were all young and naive (well, still naive now, but no longer young). she won us a chinese society's magazine regional championship(i'm pretty sure that's not how to translate it, cos it now sounds like american football now), and wrote really enjoyable articles.

i would surely go watch if i were back home. You could see that i'm excited about this because I've used not one, not 2, but THREE exclaimation marks up to this point!
and, I'm gonna add kuantan to my profile. maybe because it's now gonna be a famous birth place of a famous director, but most probably because reading about her, and watching her shorts on youtube.com brought back fond memories about the crazy and stupid and mundane and oh so crude things me and my friends did back home. i think i would like to recognize that.

A chapter is complete

2006-12-13T22:09:00.000-08:00

When you've just finished the final final-exam on the last course in your graduate studies, and you think the best way to celebrate is to go grocery shopping, and then cook up some yummo chicken and multi-mushroom dish, and then do the dishes, and, and then blog,
...is it time to concede that the wild days are over?

a good man

2006-12-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

Today, I am touched, inspired and saddened by the life of James Kim - loving father, devoted husband, senior editor at CNET, supreme gadgeteer.

James Kim and his wife, Kati Kim, and their 2 little girls - Penelope, 4 and Sabine, 7 months, went for a family road trip after Thanksgiving. Along this trip, on a snowy night, they took a wrong turn and got lost. Then, decided to follow a shortcut on the map, and being unabled to read warning signs obscured by snow, the family got stucked on a deserted backcountry road in the Mountains of Oregon; a road that was supposed to be gated and locked in the winter, but wasn't. They were out of range for all electronic gadgets, and could neither call for help, or be notified of a search and rescue party. The parents ran the car heater for warmth, and when the gas ran out, burnt the tyres, first the spare, then the rest. Kati breastfed both daughters when food ran out, while James hardly ate. After a week, James decided to go out on foot to seek help for his family, aiming for a village which they thought was 4 miles away but was actually 15. The plan was for him to return after 5 hrs if he couldn't find anything. He never did.

Kati and the girls were rescued 3 days later by helicopters hired by Jame's father for the search, the same helicopters that dropped sacks of food, warm clothes and letters in the mountains, in the hope that they will provide sustanence for James.

But James never had a chance to stumble across the packs. He was found, 11 days later, in a river bed, dead of hypothermia. He stayed alive for 2 days, and walked for 11 miles before he fell; rescuers had problems with 5, even with all of their gadgets and supplies. It was later found that the lock to that accursed road was vandalised.

I cannot imagine what it was like for the James and Kati, who tried to portray the whole ordeal to their girls as a camping trip. Were they at first hopeful that help would arrive in a day or 2, or thought that they could drive out of the hell hole eventually? Did a day or 2 turned into 5, then 7, with no sign that any search was under way? When the fuel ran out, how did it feel to realize that with that died the possibility of driving their own way out - that their fate were left in the hands of others, who might not even be aware that they were missing? What words were spoken before James decided to strike out into the wilderness, out of desperation to save his family? How did Kati bade goodbye, knowing that he was doing this for their sake, and that he might not be coming back? How did he feel when he kissed his daughters possibly for the last time, weak from hunger, yet strong with the will to protect them? Were the girls puzzled and troubled, yet not fully comprehending the heart breaks that they could feel in the air..

I can't express my feelings well enough, but he does.
http://sweetjuniper.blogspot.com

I choke up everytime I read about James. Because I know, that my father would do the same, were we ever in the same condition. And so would I.

Just another pain in my behind (nana, you want to skip this entry)

2006-12-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

I've just received email that we're REQUIRED to decap rats now.
decap as in decapitate.
Skip the rest of this entry if you don't want to know details.
Before you get too horrified, it's part of the procedure for kind+thoughtful handling of lab animals. And unusually, I don't mean that sarcastically. Because decapitation is done on rats that are euthanised with anesthesia, to make sure that they are really dead before getting placed in a freezer prior to being disposed. you know, so that, just in case it didn't really expire from the anesthesia, it doesn't wake up in the middle of the night in a sub 0 degree freezer with a box full of dead companions in paper bags, and freeze to death while trying to call 911.
THE RULES require decap, but I've always avoided it by having my technician break the neck after it's supposedly gone to rat heaven via a huge dose of anesthesia, which is supposed to be as effective as decap. Now, however, some people were careless in obeying the rules, and THE COMMITTEE is insisting on STRICTLY obeying the rules.
I have a hard enough time when I'm forced to put them to sleep, or when i accidentally make them bleed, and now I'm required to cut off the head?
Could I plead cultural immunity, because asians traditionally respect and wouldn't dream of hurting dead bodies?
my mama, she-hero who captures, kills, de-feathers, cleans, and cooks running, free-ranged, live chickens with one hand tied at the back is probably wondering if babies when i was born.

3 things i learnt from trip up north

2006-11-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

1. My laptop is a notebook, but does not qualify as a mobile desktop. It is just too heavy.
2. Kenyan cab drivers in Chicago can be a Computer engineering student at the same time. (Isn't that cool!)
3. Business suits are not as warm as they should be.

Also, it's very likely that there's a conspiracy between the phychiatric hospitals and airports. The scheme is simple, delay or cancel flights due to "bad weather", and simultaneously deny baggage reclaims. Repeat process a couple times in an hour ON THE SAME FLIGHT. That would definitely perk up business in the wards.

Choices choices

2006-11-12T21:51:00.000-08:00

Today I went to an interview at a little place beside a big lake in the mid west region. I’m on my way back to Indy from OHare airport, where the usual shitty weather in Chicago caused a delay on all flights (I use the word 'usual' because it makes me sound like a seasoned traveler, an important person. In truth I’ve only transited in Chicago only a few times. Ok, twice if I count the trip from home yesterday).

The position that I was interviewing for is a business consulting job, in the capacity of data analyses. This was not the world-changing, life-saving, cancer-curing, rat-torturing industry that I had in mind when I came here to study. I have some doubts about accepting the job, if they offer me one, because engineering had been all the life I knew since sick 17.

To stave off depression due to boredom excerbated by counting the number of airport power outlets, I’ll hash out some pros and cons working in consulting vs engineering.

Pro engineer:
I can pretend to understand the workings of a car/a washer/the aircon/the world.
I can publicly love for Dilbert, and laugh loudly at the strips, without being thought of as weird.

Con engineer:
Hot guys think I’m a geek.
Hot guys assume that I’m smarter than them = not hot (both entirely baseless).
Engineering guys are not hot (though warm, kind and fun. But who needs those?).

Pro consulting:
Hot guys will think I’m smart AND hot.
There might be occasion where nice dressing is required (high heels and make up).

Con consulting:
Consulting guys dress better than I do.
I don't know how to use make up.
I've only leanrt a few months ago to walk in heels without falling and skinning my knees.

It seems there’s tie.
Tune in for results a few months later, at about the same time (+-12 hrs), and day(+-3.5 days).

nail in my tyre, and warmth in my heart

2006-10-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

Due to a mischievious nail that loved my right rear tire too much, today i got all four of my tires changed and aligned for USD 250. That's equivalent to RM1000! a year ago, I would have been angst ridden about the fact that this would pay for my room in penang for 5 months, with change left for 10 or 20 meals. Yet after being here for a while, I'd come to expect 250, post 30 bucks discount coupons from various sources, as a reasonable price to pay for 4 tyres. It's inevitable. I've acclimatised.

This is a big step for someone who, 1.5 yrs ago, went through the trouble of cancelling 3.60 worth of baked pastries at the checkout, and had to borrow cash from an acquaintence because her purchase was now below the minimum limit payable by credit card, all because it said 1.86 at the aisle, and 3.6 is too much to pay for a lousy box of 3 sau pau!

as an aside, the guy who owned the tyre shop tried to sell me extra insurance that will guarantee replacement or repairs on any accidental damage to the tyres. Of oucrse i didn't fall for it, so he cut the price to 1/2. and at the end , when i still refused, he gave it to me for free, because he "would feel better if a young girl like you had some insurance while driving on some high ways, and i really want you to have it." which made me feel all warm and touched, and guilty too, for thinking that all he wanted was to suck that extra 16 bucks from a poor foreign student. It resumed my faith in kindness.
or, was it just a very clever marketing manuever?

written 10/17

a regression to lists

2006-10-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

ok, there's been too much gloom going on around here! luckily, all soppy identity search blogs can be blamed on PMS.
so to perk things up a little bit, a list of 10 good things in my life right now, in no particular order:

1. my lavender, that was brown and sagging 3 weeks ago, has not only came back from the brink of death, but is sprouting new shoots and is smelling good again! the secret? rice soaked water. thanks to my mama, i am no longer a plant killer (though i've conveniently progressed to rodents, see below).

2. Didi's birthday is coming up! And he successfully transferred departments in spite of a lousy boss who tried to stop it. And, he gets to go home for 1 whole week during raya (my eyes are so shining green i could audition for ju-on 4).

3. spoke to parents today. they are well.

4. new interview shoes, from dsw, for 25 only, after a 50% discount and a 5 bucks dicount card from the lovely princess-lily-pad.

5. an interview where said shoes could be displayed. next week! (finger biting.. butterflies fluttering)

6. good stir fried ginger and scallion chicken. made by yours shortly.

7. very good hersheys marbled chocolate cake! made by ..ahem..yours shortly.

8. my boss man and boss lady, who remains upbeat and encouraging even though i killed a rat during a scan (it was an accident, i swear! i would make sure there's more than 50 psi in the oxygen tank in the future, and not rely on the technician).

9. a reply from a good friend, agreeing to a certain request of mine. after a month, i wasn't sure if he was going to reply at all, and was saddened to think that his new position occupied so much of his time that he might not be bothered with old frienships anymore. but i was wrong, and very happily so.

10. gibberish from the animal farm back home. ahh..the sweet nectars of life.

The Smallness of Being

2006-10-01T23:15:00.001-07:00

When one leaves everything one has known for the past 26 years, in order to start a new life as a student in a foreign country, one feels a strong sense of purpose. One might be rather scared and lost at first, but one has all these places to go, assignments to complete, assistantships to apply for, tests to ace.

Yet when one is about to graduate in a country far away from home, and has hardly gotten any job interview yet, one feels oddly displaced, extremely insignificant, unfamiliarly empty, and very lost, because one does not know how to define oneself anymore.

How does one define oneself? By profession – I am an engineer/writer/assembler? By relationships to family and loved ones– I am brother/wife/husband of so and so, best friend of so and so? By ongoing projects – I am taking up pottery/ completing a project designing so and so? By a fixed role in society? By gender? By sexual orientation? By age? By nationality? Crowds one hangs out with? Car? House? Weight of coins in one’s pink piggy bank? Quality of life one has?

How, then, does one define oneself when one is far away from family and loved ones, and have no job, no earthly possessions besides a Toshiba laptop that is partial to blue screen errors, and a very loose, if at all existing, tie to the surrounding community?

Does one define oneself by what is inside oneself? Bravery, kindness, cheerfulness, a healthy disregard of the rules? What if one chooses an unexplored path and gets so...rubbed... by the subsequent happenings that one isn’t so sure anymore? What if what one thought was inside, no longer is?

Latest exchange rate - Finally, everyone could afford bungalows in Sausalito.

2006-09-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

From the headlines of a popular chinese daily.

At this rate I could have bought microsoft in a month. I should really look for a job back home.

Soda Fizzle Days

2006-09-27T21:57:00.001-07:00

Today is a day of contradictions - in weather, thoughts and actions.

For the past few days it had been cold and gray and wet - the kind of cold and gray and wet that threatens to erase memories of brighter days. The change from summer to pseudo-winter came abruptly - Fall seems to have lasted all but 1 day and a half in Indy. Yet, it was sunny and warmthis morning, with blue skies and white clouds, and rays of the morning sun waking me up.
I woke up late, refreshed, and ready to do great things with my day. A breakfast of sumptious leftover Tomyam vermicelli seemed like an indicator (or augury=important omen. new word!) of good things to come, and I left home with my (shot) glass half full.

However , the day did not unfold as promised, like a Gaussian distribution that is skewed very much to the left with very big standard diviation, causing the whole graph to fall flat . Great achievements became a series of small, unimportant tasks, and time spent reading papers that couldn't be read in time. Class was unenergetic, both students and the-almost-always-enthusiastic-professor. Notes taking went from neat perky letters to barely legible scrawl. Thoughts about supposedly important decisions and contradictary choices swirled about in my head.

Then, sadly, in the evening, it resumed pouring. The temperature dropped, and tomorrow will be the coldest day since the start of this pseudo-Fall.

Some days are just like this - they start off beautifully, with a great storyline and cast, then fizzle off like the sodas left in the open for too long. Reminds me of Gray's Anatomy.

Well, at least we've got tomorrow.

Maybe.