Friends sometimes have this misconception that the KG is brave to venture out into this big unknown land beyond the South China Sea. They think and sometimes express admiration about the guts it takes to leave almost everything behind to try to better and challenge oneself.
Let me hereby clarify this - No, KG is neither brave nor gutsy. In fact, most of the time she is a fool, a greedy coward or a paranoid little bitch, many times all three at once. The trip here was full of tears, doubts and fears. There was such trepidation in facing the unknown, in living a misers life, in competing with a cold world, in having no-one to go to movies with. There were so many tears because of home and friend sickness. It was miserable, and still sometimes is. It's depressing to wake up from a nap alone in an apartment a bajillion miles away from home. and knowing that the aloneness will last for what seems like forever. It's pathetic in times of stormy weathers not to have someone to talk to, or to lean on, or to tokkok with. And the doubts, oh the doubts of whether she'd make it, whether it's all worth it, whether she was making the right decision!
Some people think that going to a foreign country is romantic, or so high class, or so fun. But it is not always true. 99% underestimate the challenges that comes when the only one you can truly depend on, in darkness and in light and at all times, is yourself. Especially those who are older and dont have the structured life of a college student.
Kg can't help but think frequently that she was a fool. Because, because so many of the most important things in life are found right at home. Family, Friends, love, a place to belong to. (And Teh Bing, Char Kuey Teow and asam laksa). Life is so short, there is so little time. What is ambition compared to love? If the world were to end tomorrow, I'll let go of all self-bettering and potential-fulfilling pretenses and head right home. And ought we not live like everyday is the last day of our lives?
I'm that paranoid bitch today.
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2 comments:
you've made my plan shaken! But I am pretty proud that you made it through these two, three years. Fit in or rejoin Bolehland is on your hand ba right now? I think it's over over a milestone, beautifully, whichever you decide.
thank you. :)
and everytime i say it to you, i mean it.
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